TYPE-A

I’m doing time on the Precor. It’s got the TV attached, which passes time and helps distract me from convincing myself that I don’t really mind my side fat and I do really mind being at the gym at the crack of dawn. I used to be a runner back when I used to have young knees that didn’t scream “Oil Can! Oil Can!” like the Tin Man with every step I took. When my knees went into running retirement I decided to make the best of the various cardio options at my gym, each promising they’re the ticket to me being side fat free. And though my knees like the bike, my vagina hates the seat. Walking the treadmill, even at a high speed up a steep incline, is torture for a runner, akin to a sex addict being allowed to look at computer porn without touching the screen. Then there’s the Precor, which aims to replicate steep hills while protecting old knees, all with a TV attached to distract former runners from the reality that all if is boring as shit.

I’m watching the news, flipping between Today, GMA, CNN, hoping that one of their shoulder-length haired hosts will tell me the world isn’t ending. Instead, they’re telling me that the world needs a makeover as they introduce Fall Fashion I’d never wear outside of a library. More, after a commercial break.

CNN’s teaser asks, “Are Your Kids Getting Enough Vitamin D?” I have no idea, I think to myself and gut through the NuvaRing commercial to find out.

I’m not a Type-A parent. I don’t read tons of parenting books since most of my friends do. I pay attention to the news, ask my pediatrician for advice, and read what I need to but not to the point of obsession. So even though I know a lot about kids and Vitamins, I’d hate to find out I won’t get an A in parenting because my kid isn’t getting enough D in his body.

And we’re back.

The Angular Blonde Host is now seated next to a Chubby Expert whose name and credentials I miss, but must know something or CNN wouldn’t put her on. She’s listing the best ways for kids to get enough Vitamin D, fall and winter being D-deficient season since sunlight is the best source. My kid probably gets enough D because we live in sunny LA, but you can only get enough from sunscreen-free sun exposure. This presents a conundrum for thoughtful parents; D-deficiency or skin cancer? Chubby Expert suggests tuna instead of sunlight since it contains a chunk of D.

“Well what about the mercury in tuna?” Blonde and Angular asks.

“Oh, no kid gets mercury poisoning from eating one tuna sandwich everyday,” Chubby and Uninformed replies.

I may not be a Type-A parent, but I also am not a Type-Lobotomized parent. The range of exclusion differs, but most Pediatricians will say that if there’s one thing you shouldn’t give your kid, at least regularly, it’s tuna. It contains boatloads of mercury, which can give you brain damage, which is probably worse than a Vitamin deficiency.

But the Chubby Expert has just told millions of parents that a sandwich a day is okay.

With 24 minutes left on my replicated hill climb, I write and re-write my in-my-head letter to CNN admonishing them for putting someone on the news so clearly uninformed. But I sound as moronic as the Chubby Expert with a letter that begins with the line, “ I don’t know her name or where she was from, but you had an expert on who was no expert.” CNN dodges a bullet, my letter writing campaign aborted before Letter #1.

During the commercial for Adult Diapers, I wonder what else is on the news that isn’t partially or at all correct. I wonder how many Experts are no expert at all.

As a parent, you get a lot of grief, even being referred to as “one of those parents,” if you’re perceived as being Type-A. “Our Moms drank, smoked, and didn’t use car seats and we turned out fine,” is a sentiment often touted by those without children or those with children who like to think of themselves as having a relaxed attitude. Since they didn’t die from their Mom’s one-a-day martini habit, they’re sure their kid won’t die from a little funky tuna.

I think about parents who don’t have access to good care or good information. I think about how many parents rely on the CNN’s of the world to be their experts. One basically needs to be some sort of science expert to keep up with all the paint and plastic recalls that are found everyday in children’s products, not to mention the stuff in their food. And while maybe some of us turned out just fine lighting Mom’s Marlboros or holding the steering wheel while she picked the olive out of her glass, maybe some didn’t turn out just fine. They’re not here to tell us.

Its great to be relaxed, better to be informed. And since the Experts aren’t so expert, it’s not so bad to be a Type-A parent if that means you can watch the news and know the difference between an Expert and a Time Filler. So while I’ll try to keep up, I think the best solution is not to take any expert at face value. You can do your own research without becoming obsessed and you should be able to do your own research without friends and family accusing you of “being one of those….”

And if all else fails, turn off the TV, get off the machine, and get back in your car. 6 am is way too early to have to be an Expert.