SOMEONE'S FRIENDS LIED.

Oh Oprah. Oprah. Oprah. Oprah. We need to talk. STAT!

Here’s the thing about Oprah (or O as Gail and Steadman call her.) Sure she’s gotten a bit full of herself, but I like that O is human. She's just a girl trying to get back into her high school jeans. But even with all that money and those connections, she still needs some help. She still needs someone to tell her the truth. That person is me.

First you should know that I’m not a daytime TV viewer. Daytime TV viewing should be reserved for 1) days spent sick in bed or B) bouts of the kind of depression that makes you gain ten pounds, live in sweat pants for weeks at a time, and Google your fifth grade boyfriend hoping you’ve still got a shot.

But today I’m watching Oprah because spending hours on end with a baby whose favorite toy is his penis can be, in a word, redundant. And since he's the distractible type who finds things like TV or a drop of water falling in another state a good reason not to eat, I have Oprah on mute.

So O is doing an Earth day show. Julia Roberts is the guest. Jules is a perfect celebrity to watch on MUTE because you always know what she's gonna say; everything is lovely, everyone's a genius. Undoubtedly, Jules is now saying how lovely it is to compost her food. I can’t help but wonder if she thought it was lovely to fly on her private jet from LA to Chicago to talk to Oprah about Earth day. Chances are she did because she’s a genius.

Since I’ve muted Jules and O, I’m only focused on what I can see. And what I can see is.... YELLOW, made of something akin to a hot air balloon and possibly contains some Pleather. Oprah is wearing a yellow boxy jacket made of an indiscernible but clearly man made fiber. Oprah is a fashion DON'T.

Here’s where the help comes in.

O talks about her B.F. Gail all the time. The two are inseparable. Like all B.F.’s they consult each other on everything and that’s got to include fashion. So when O was standing in her dressing room wearing a yellow jacket made out of what used to be a tarp, and said “Gail, does this wide yellow jacket make me look wide?” Gail undoubtedly said no. And unless Gail needs new glasses, she lied.

All across the country, there are women wearing Capri pants, Ugg boots, and midriff bearing tops whose Gail lied to them when they asked “Do those Ugg boots make my legs look thick?” And their Gail said, “No way. Shearling on the calf is very slimming.”

Undoubtedly right now, there are groups of women in dressing rooms at Bloomingdales’ and Macys’ across the country trying on things like denim mink skirts so short they're more like a vagina belt. Each friend saying to the other, “You have to get that. You totally look like Kate Hudson in that.” For the record, Kate Hudson is tall, skinny, and about 2 years old. She can rock a denim mini all she wants. The rest of us, not so much.

I love a girl that takes a fashion risk, I’m just not one of them. I’ve had the same version of the same haircut since Junior Prom and I stick to the same silhouettes to the point of nausea. I’m no monochromatic, glove wearing Diane Keaton, but I do like to stick to what works, the emphasis being on: IT WORKS. There are those who look amazing in something you or I would find in the pile of clothes the GOODWILL store wouldn’t take, but I’m not one of them either. Some girls look great in Ann Taylor, not me. I have a friend who makes the Boho look seem like haute couture and I salute her. And whether your look is Chico’s or Barney’s New York, your look is your look. Fat or thin, big or small, everybody’s got his or her look. So why do so many women ignore their look and wear things that look terrible on them? And why do we consult our friends and they lie to us?

Sure, there’s some competition involved. Some girls want their friend to buy the bedazzled tank knowing that friend will look worse than her trolling later that night at Carlos and Charlie's. And others just want their friends to be happy and sometimes telling our friends the truth will make our friends unhappy.

But really don't we want to be lied to? If we really wanted to hear the truth, we’d ask someone who’d tell it. Sometimes the fantasy of being able to wear something that we really shouldn’t, is more comforting than knowing that we really should go a size up or that we’re getting a little long in the tooth to wear a skirt so short on the knee.

It’s the fantasy we’re after, even if it means buying something we’ll wear once and look back at in photos and think, “I can’t believe I wore that.” The fantasy makes us feel like we’re still in the game.

So Oprah because I’m no Gail and I’m a true friend, I’m going to save you some humiliating moments on your yearly “Clip” show.

Here’s the deal. You know when you pull your hair all the way back and it gives you an extra forehead? Stop that. What you don’t need is MORE of anything. Foreheads should start at the front of your head, not the back.

And you know when you do an Earth day show and you decide to wear a yellow plastic jacket? Don’t. While yellow is a great color for darker skin, it’s not a great color for bigger skin.

And the next time you ask Gail, “Do these Cargo pants make me look fat?” and Gail says, “No way. You totally look like Kate Hudson in those cargo pants.” Just remember, Gail lied.

And if you’re wondering if me watching an Earth Day show and coming away with a fashion report is superficial; think again. Superficial is having an Earth Day show and Julia Roberts is your expert. I’m just a Mom trying to get my kid to eat.